Diving into the Deep End
Giving Myself Permission to Thrive in the unknown
Do you ever wonder what it feels like to scream at the top of your lungs at the bottom of the ocean?
This is an experience I don’t even have to wonder about since I did it on June 19th, 2020, on my first scuba dive trip.
As a mermaid enthusiast, growing up by the beaches in Monterey & Santa Cruz, and going to the Monterey Bay Aquarium any chance I had, being engulfed by the ocean seemed like the perfect fantasy come true.
So when the puzzle pieces finally fell together, and I learned that I was one person away from being introduced to a professional scuba diving instructor, I used the cabin fever energy we all collected from the first three months of COVID times to impulsively pursue the perfect quarantine activity: Scuba Diving.
The funny part is that I don’t actually know how to properly swim. Still don’t.
I know how to get from Point A to Point B, but treading water never earned it’s way into my repertoire.
Maybe one day.
But for some reason, that day, I decided that I was ready to swim with the fishes.
It’s amazing how quickly you realize that something has gone wrong.
That gut feeling. Those knots in your stomach. The ache in your chest.
Breaking the waves back to the surface, I never gasped in air so fast.
It was totally valid for me to just stop there.
I could have drowned.
I didn’t have to force myself to sit at the bottom of the ocean, holding my breath.
I could have died.
But I didn’t.
I chose to trust myself.
Trust that I knew what I needed to know to make it past this.
I was scared. But I did it anyways.
———
No one really tells you that beneath the surface of the crashing waves,
is peace.
The vastness of the ocean made me feel so insignificant.
And at the same time, I had never valued my own existence so highly.
Between now and then, I lost one of my best friends.
Between now and then, I’ve been relearning how to live.
It’s wild how much you learn about living when you’re forced to remember that death exists too.
No matter how much you prepare or try to get ready for anything in life, you’ll never be ready.
Landing your dream job,
having your first kid,
hitting rock bottom.
I never thought I would try to live my dream life without one of my best friends cheering me on, but here I am.
The end is also where we begin.
I’ve been holding my breath for too long. Holding myself back from feeling what I need to feel.
Holding my dreams at an arms length because I don’t think I’m at a place where I believe I deserve to even have them.
But our lives are going to move forward with or without us.
Today, I’m choosing to hold my heart forward.
Because my best friend taught me that life is too short not to have fun with it.
———
My heart holds gratitude for my scuba diving buddies who always remind me to breathe.
I learned that you always need a diving buddy to make sure you’re always safe.
I think that counts in living life too.
So thank you all for diving in the deep end with me.
Let’s look forward to more days learning how to hold hands with fear instead of running away from it and realizing that our darkness holds magic too.
Mermaid Kisses & Starfish Wishes,
Melissa 💙
